Five a.m. looms

Today was a good day: I wrote two scenes for a total of 1250 words, and did my four miles on the treadmill. I'm over the cold I had a week ago, and tomorrow, if we don't spend too much time at the store shopping for Thanskgiving dinner, I should get another scene done. Thinking of Sunday as the last day of a work week -- as I do now that the American work week has settled deeply into my mind, despite my current unemployment -- I had a terrific week. I wrote more than 5000 words, polished off several scenes in my novel... and went to the zendo only once.

It started last Monday when I was sick; I decided to sleep in, and I was glad I did. So the next day I went to meditate, getting up at 5:20 a.m., and man, did I feel it the rest of the day. So I fucked off all week long, and I felt much better. The one day I did go, Y. was back to his tricks, blathering something during zazen. It sounded like a poem this time, and not just some stupid aphorism, and it didn't bug me quite as much as it did when he showed up for the first time in... September, was it? and started off with his yapping during zazen. But it was still a distraction.

So now I'm well, and I guess I can go back to sitting, but I'm really wondering whether it's worth getting up at 5:00 a.m. anymore if I'm going to feel tired all day. What the fuck, why should I feel tired all day? And to tell you the truth, my meditation hasn't been going that great. I haven't centered on my breathing in a few weeks, and my mind wanders like crazy. I come back to my breath for about one breath, then it's off to the races again. Plus this fellow Y. bugs me. So I'm not getting a lot out of it.

The funny thing is that it took me until I'm unemployed and don't have to stay awake all day long to get to this point. When I was working, I would take naps on the floor of my office. Now I can take naps whenever I want and I actually take fewer naps.

Well, I guess I"ll set the clock for 5:00 and decide then whether to get up or not. I sure have been enjoying my sleep, though.