Faulty recall

To do today: Call up friends and pretend to be one of the canned automatic calls now being received by Californians to ask them to vote no on the recall. So far I've received calls from Bill Clinton, two congresswomen, and the wife of Gov. Davis. I'm holding out for a call from Nao Bustamante, but in the meantime, be sure to call your friends, especially those who don't live in California, and speaking in the appropriate accent, give their answering machines a political message. Because everyone is screening their calls til Wednesday.

Hello, this is Bill Clinton. I'm calling to ask you to vote no on the recall tomorrow, Tuesday, October 7th. After impeaching me for fooling around with that woman -- Miss Lewinsky -- you'd think the Republicans would want nothing to do with some other charismatic son of a bitch who can't keep his hands off the chicks. But no, they are shameless. Put a stop to this charade, and vote no on the recall.

Hello, this is... Al Gore. And I'm calling to ask you to vote no on the recall in California. And after you vote no, you just don't vote for governor. You save that vote for 2004. You put that vote in a lockbox.

Hello, this is Jimmy Carter. After watching the Braves get their butts kicked by the Cubs yesterday, my heart is broken. I feel just about as bad as I did in 1980 when I lost to Reagan. So don't break an old man's heart again. Even though in Georgia we wouldn't let someone like Gray Davis run a junior high school, he's got to be better than that idiot Schwartzenegger. So vote no on the recall, and I just might get it up to watch the Falcons play this Sunday.

Hi, this is Martin Sheen. I'm not the president, but I play one on TV. And I'm even more liberal than my character, who's still in office long after my friends the Clintons have left. If California elects Arnold Schwartzenegger -- Jesus, that takes a long time to type out -- the governor, I just may get the idea that I could go ahead and run for president for real. Hell, Reagan got elected twice, and the second time he was so far gone mentally that he couldn't remember to put his pants on over his ass instead of on his head. Anyway, I'm calling to urge you to vote no on the recall. Fun's fun, but even I know the difference between fantasy and reality.