Focus on the Fundies: Haggard redux, part 36

Evangelicals are still vibrating with the shock waves from the downfall of Ted Haggard, "one of our brightest stars... assertive and winsome in representing the convictions of 30 million evangelicals in the halls of political power, ... thoughtful and unpredictable in his desire to build partnerships and embrace broad issues of social concern..., a committed charismatic, who reflected the respect Spirit-filled believers are being granted in wider evangelical circles. " (quotes are from the article linked ahead)

Also a cocksucking, meth-snorting Big Gay.

A magazine called Ministry Today has run a major feature glumly entitled What We Lost, in which the author ponders What It All Means for the Xtian mall-arenas they call churches nowadays.

In a typical can't-see-the-forest-for-the-trees passage, the article talks about how common it is for the clergy-executives of such organizations to have secret sex problems, and how it's difficult to see this because "We're still holding pastors to a 17th-century standard of purity." ¹

Then drops the other shoe:

(The) solution? Lie detector tests.

Spoken like a true Republican. You go! I can't wait to see Rod Parsley hooked up to a lie detector. Because, it says right here:

The polygraph helps kill the flesh.

Egad! Why don't we just go straight to water-boarding? That'd separate the men from the men-loving boys. The gays would be the most hard-assed ones, the ones who would last the longest.

At the end, the article gets to the point, politically, discussing Haggard's political influence (which Bush tried to downplay after Haggard got caught with his pants down, in much the same way they tried to distance themselves from Abramoff) and who might replace him -- because, in the end, the fundies are all about political power; without it, they'd still be just a bunch of crackers with bad hair.

Haggard's departure reinforces the need for a variety of voices -- each emphasizing different biblical concerns. "The voices will become more sophisticated and focused, not unlike how the major channels have given way to the cable competition. There is not only FOX News, but also the History Channel, movie channels and so on," Hunter predicts. "So there will be different groups of Christians more focused on specific concerns. But what will not change is the requirement for a biblical basis for our voices and votes."

Again, spoken like a Republican. "There is not only FOX news" -- sic. Don't forget to capitalize, boys, or you won't get your goody bags at the next election.

Then, don't miss the sidebar printed at the bottom of the page -- a racy "confessional" titled I Was There, by an anonymous man who describes himself as Nate Larkin, a former staffer of Jim Bakker's PTL who "bailed out of the ministry the year before, during the PTL scandal, resigning my pulpit and fleeing to the anonymity of civilian life. The official reason for my early retirement: I was burned out. The real reason: I was hooked on porn and prostitutes. The contradiction between my professional life and my secret life was killing me, and I was terrified by the prospect of getting caught."

Yee ha, good stuff! I ought to read more o' them Christian ministry magazines! This is better than Penthouse Forum.


¹ Why 17th century, anyway? Because that's when the Puritans ruled? I don't get it.