Wednesday, October 30, 2002

Darkness and light

The end of Daylight Savings Time coincides generally with a real change in the weather in SF from the last gasps of summerlike weather to the definitely cooler and wetter days of fall and winter. The time change also produces a number of pleasant lighting effects, as yesterday evening I gathered with others at St. Gregory's for their Taizé service and the new evening darkness at 5:30 made the candles look just beautiful. The small room we meet in becomes more womb-like and intimate. In the morning, on the other hand, the sky is already indigo just before 6:00 a.m. as I stretch in the street, and sunlight is suddenly blazing as I walk out of the zendo at 7:00. I think this whole Daylight Savings Time program is worthwhile just for these effects, not to mention that extra hour of sleep you get once a year -- an event I missed this year, since I was in Arizona last weekend and they don't do DLT.

Speaking of dawn, the issue at HSZC over when to start the one-day sits has bloomed into a real controversy. The residents have closed ranks behind Y., who becomes the resident practice leader this week, while some members say they'll come sit with me at 5:00 a.m. on Saturday. It's a tempest in a teapot, to be sure. But it also demonstrates Y.'s awkwardness in dealing with people and his ignorance of how to lead a group without part of it rebelling.

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

Even I'm not that lazy

Coming up this Saturday is the usual all-day sit -- from 5:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. -- at the zen center I go to -- or so I thought. This morning after zazen there was a conversation in which I learned that Y. wants to cut the length of the event to 9:00 to 5:00 because he thinks the thirteen-hour schedule is too intimidating to newcomers. This shocked me, frankly. Francois, one of the residents, included me in the email thread later this morning, and I posted something to the effect that sitting at dawn is pretty basic to a meditation practice as far as I was concerned. I was gratified to see that some of the other lay members on the thread backed me up.

Actually I can't even do all day this time around, because on Saturday I have to prepare the house for Cris's birthday party that evening, and besides, my great friend Christine will be in town. But I did want to go at 5:00 for the first three sessions. So far it looks like it will be me and a few other people -- which is no different from most first Saturdays.

In other news, I was listening in my car today, as I do from time to time, to the local right-wing Christian radio station. And I heard two interesting things.

One was a little feature on Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the German anti-fascist pastor who was involved in plots to assassinate Hitler. The feature was a fairly straightforward recounting of his moral struggle to justify the use of violence (i.e. in killing Hitler) for a greater good (ending the war and Nazi tyranny). I thought to myself, "Uh oh, I can see what's coming." Sure enough, the moral of the story, as presented on the right-wing Christian radio station, was that war on Iraq was justified. So typical.

Hearing that didn't surprise me, but the next thing I heard did. The host of the evening live show, Craig Roberts, launched into an aggressive attack on Fred Phelps. The virulent anti-gay "preacher" is reportedly still planning to visit the Bay Area. Instead of picketing the funeral of Eddie Arajo Jr. -- a transgendered youth who was murdered early this month -- Phelps has decided to picket several conservative East Bay churches that released a statement condemning Arajo's murder as well as the local high school, which is presenting "The Laramie Project." Uncharacteristically, the conservative talk show host strongly attacked Phelps, his tactics, his message and his entire enterprise.

I had wondered for a long time where, if anywhere, that radio station would draw the line, and now I know. There are right-wingers that even the right-wingers can't stand. At least we can agree on the most extreme bigots. It's not much, but it's something.

Saturday, October 26, 2002

Aww, the sad clown

I saw the Jerry Seinfeld documentary Comedian today, and greatly enjoyed its inside view of the life of a performer. The film shows J.S. as he "starts from scratch" with all new material -- though he travels to gigs by private jet and stays in five-star hotel suites -- and contrasts his angst with the positively maniacal anhedonia of an up-and-coming comic named Orny Adams. It's a wonderful backstage view of the neuroses of performers in this age of saturation media.

However, looking for references on the web, I spotted this capsule review (bottom of page) by Dennis Lim in the Village Voice, and found myself agreeing with every word, including the bit about "the redeptive ending that Seinfeld would have mocked." I also found, for the first time, the Metacritic website, which is a wonderful resource.

Friday, October 25, 2002

Liberals minus 1

I was in a taxi on the way to the airport when Cris rang with the news that Sen. Paul Wellstone was killed in a plane crash this morning. Bloody hell. It's already all over the news, of course, so I won't even post a link. That's one less voice of reason in the Senate -- here's hoping Jesse Ventura, governor of Minnesota, has enough sense to... oh, jeez, this doesn't look good at all.

Closer to home, the funeral for murdered tranny Eddie Arajo, Jr. is expected to attract not only hundreds of friends and mourners, but also the inimitable and revolting Fred Phelps et al. from Topeka, the group that makes Jerry Falwell look like a fag-lover. This blogger, WilliamTed, has "plans." No good can come of that, I'm afraid.

Update: The funeral came off without a visit from the hateful Kansans.

Thursday, October 24, 2002

Who preaches, who gets preached to

Reminder: there will be big anti-war protests on Saturday in San Francisco and Washington DC.

I can't go -- I'll be in Phoenix, visiting family. But if I were there, I would bring several CDs and just stand in the crowd listening to them. Whatever is said at these events is of absolutely no import to anybody. Everyone who's there already is against the war, and short of being whipped into a frenzy and going in to sack City Hall, there is nothing whatsoever anybody can say that would spur any kind of meaningful action. (Sacking City Hall would not even be meaningful.) In fact, I would be tempted to bring a huge sign that said nothing but CHOIR, and stand in the middle of the crowd. Going to huge protests is a waste of time in most senses, of course, except for the fact that the entire message of the protest is in the simple count of bodies. If there are only ten thousand people there, Bush shrugs. If there are 200,000 people there, it might get a wee bit more attention. That's the only reason to go. So go.

 

This week's pathetic losers

The winner of this week's award for the most pathetic losers -- an award that has never been awarded before and may never be awarded again, despite the plethora of nominees screaming for attention -- is Two Towers Protest, dedicated to the idea that the title of the upcoming film "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" is "hate speech" because people might get it confused with those other two towers, and that would be "insensitive."

I'm too tired to list all the other losers -- last night was another family-related late night. We took Cris's aunt to the airport and didn't get back until 12:30 in the morning. Then I would have slept in, but I had agreed to go to my friend Sara's house "on my way to zazen" at 5:40 a.m. to get a key. So I woke up just for that, went home and got back into bed, and slept til 10:00 a.m. It's a wonder I'm getting any meditation in at all this week.

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

Drizzle

Horrible drizzly weather for the last couple of days. The San Francisco summer drought isn't supposed to end like this, with weather that's more likely in July. It's supposed to end with a big rainstorm after a single hazy day.

This morning while sitting zazen, for some reason I got the idea to leave after the bell and before the "service" of prostrations and chanting -- something which is permitted but which I've never done. I tend to think that if you're going to be there and sit, you should join in the whole thing, including the work period afterward. But when the bell rang I got up and quickly booked on out of there. I had breakfast and read the paper, and after the phone woke Cris up, I went in to read the morning paper with her in bed. Then I got sleepy and took a delicious nap -- if you call sleeping from 8:30 a.m. to 10:00 a.m. a nap. Then I stayed home and worked on my novel. Cris was gardening and the cats hung out with her and didn't bother me, so I got another 1000 words done.

I just finished watching the end of game 4 of the World Series. I haven't seen a single game in its entirety.

Monday, October 21, 2002

End of an Eva

Sunday night at 11:15, I was just getting into bed, trying to calculate how tired I'd be the next morning having gotten up at 5:00 to do zazen. I was just starting to fall asleep when the phone rang. It was the Alzheimer's care facility in suburban Fairfield where Cris put her mother two and a half years ago. Cris's mother Eva, 79, had just died in her sleep.

I got up and dressed while Cris called her sisters who live in Oakland and suburban Walnut Creek, and the four of us went out to Fairfield, about sixty miles from San Francisco. We got there a little before 2:00 a.m. Of course the streets near the "home" were utterly quiet, so when we came into the facility we startled by the sight of a dozen elderly residents cheerfully milling about the lobby. "Why aren't they in bed?" exclaimed one of Cris's sisters. Cris said that staying up all night and walking around is a typical stage Alzherimer's patients go through; indeed, her own mother had gone through this phase during most of the first half of the 1990s.

We were led to the sparely furnished but comfortable room where Eva lay in bed on her back. Her mouth was open and her eyes were half open, giving her a pitiful countenance, a sight made even more pitiful when the covers were pulled back to reveal her emaciated body. Like many late-stage Alzheimer's patients, Eva had more or less starved to death as her ability to swallow had been erased by the advancing deterioration of her brain; her way was eased by hospice care and morphine for the last two months.

There was little for us to do but wait for the undertaker's van and sign a paper, but while we waited through the night for this simple act, we held vigil by Eva's body, talking alternately about the 15 years of her illness and what it had put us all through, and also about our own busy lives. Finally the man came and the sisters said their final goodbye, and we drove back, dropping the sisters off as we'd picked them up, and arriving home a little after 5:30 -- just about the time I would be going off to zazen. I didn't go off to zazen, though -- we both went right to bed, tuckered out.

So. Man. It's the end of an era that saw Cris and I, as well as her sisters, contributing enormous time and money to Eva's care, through a succession of housekeepers, live-in caregivers, and care facilities. Eva's illness had a huge effect on our lives -- as any serious long-term illness does on the lives of the family it strikes. First among these effects is probably the imperative for both Cris and I to stay in full-time jobs throughout the fourteen years since we returned from teaching in Japan, since we needed the money for Eva's care. This, and the need to stay close to the Bay Area, limited our mobility; we couldn't move to New York or Buenos Aires even if we could afford it (which, in the last couple of years, we could. Paradoxically, the worse Eva's illness got, the less it cost us, since it cost a lot less to keep her in care facilities than to employ full-time caregivers).

It's impossible to say how our lives might change now. We'll save the several hundred dollars a month we were still contributing to her care, but we'll still have to stay close to the Bay Area, for Cris still has an elderly aunt in San Francisco. So I don't expect any big lifestyle changes. But psychologically, it's a real high-water mark in our lives.



Sunday, October 20, 2002

Weekend

Sitting here watching the uterly wacky second game of the World Series between the Giants and the Angels. There have been about ten home runs in the first three innings, plus a one-in-a-million play in which Giants pitcher Russ Ortiz accidentally hit the bat of the Angels batter on his shoulder as he ducked away from the pitch, with the ball dribbling fair, leading to a put-out at first. That was wild. Now they're in the 5th, and things have calmed down a little.

Jenny's performance Friday night was swell, and so was the showing of The Hidden Fortress at the Castro. I'd never seen it in a theater, and didn't even know it was wide screen. Wow! I also had the pleasure of introducing Dina, up from L.A., to the film.

I'm getting pretty good at telling people about losing my job, why that isn't a bad thing, how I'm making progress on my novel, and how we think we can handle the layoff for several months, giving me a chance to finish the book. It's a happy story so I don't mind saying it over and over.

Friday, October 18, 2002

Things to do and see

My friend Jenny Schaffer is among the performers in the All Women, All Improv show at 848 performance space in San Francisco at 8:00 pm tonight. Jenny is a talented physical performer with an amazing voice, when she cuts loose. She may well do so tonight.

The Castro Theater is in the middle of the same Kurosawa/Mifune film festival that was playing last month at the Film Forum in New York, and tomorrow they're showing one of my favorite films of all time, The Hidden Fortress. This film not only has everything -- comedy, drama, pathos, great samurai fights, singing and dancing -- but it was one of the main influences of the film Star Wars. I can't say enough about this great movie -- go see it!

Poet Kim Addonizio, a National Book Award finalist a couple years ago and a former regular contributor to my zine Frighten the Horses, is one of the folks producing and reading at a book party for Dorothy Parker's Elbow, a collection of literary work about tattoos. That's at 8:00 pm Saturday at the Edinburgh Castle Pub, 950 Geary St. near Polk, in San Francisco.

Finally, check out A Day in the Life of Africa (link courtesy of the highly useful and amusing Boing Boing.)

Correction

Yesterday I had the honor of hearing from Uberchick, who I mentioned in my entry on Sep. 24. She told me she was not the "gorgeous" but "boring straight girl" depicted in a set of posted photographs of some party she attended. There were two Asian females at that party, she informs me, and besides, she's not even straight. However, she did not point me to a picture that was of her, so she continues to be a woman of mystery to me and the rest of her readers, which is no doubt how she wants it. Hi Uberchick! Thanks for reading my blog, which is more boring than your blog.

I had a thought this morning about this blog. Like a huge number of other bloggers, I am now unemployed after laboring for some time in the high tech industry. Maybe I labored longer than most of them -- since 1993, when a lot of them were probably in the 10th grade -- but I'm pretty much in the same boat, except that they're all 26 and I'm 46.

Did you know that, if you're over 40 and you get laid off, they have to give you a sheet that shows the breakdown by job title and age of everyone who got hit in the same layoff and everyone who survived? So now I have this list that shows that, of the three people who got laid off in my department, two are over 40 (including me), two are female (not including me), and one is a manager (me). What this tiny sample shows, I don't know, except that everyone they laid off wasn't over 40 or female, in which case they probably would have been in trouble. What it doesn't show is that, of the three people laid off, two of them (including me) had high salaries. I know becase the other two people reported to me.

Anyway, on with my new life. What I was going to say, before that tangent, is that I had a thought, to wit: my blog is going to get a little repetitive now. Before, I could talk a little about work, and about writing my novel, and about being downtown, and about the trips I took for business, and about zazen. Now I can't write about any of those things except writing my novel and zazen. So bear with me. I'll try to find something to write about.

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

By the way, the title is 'Make Nice'

It's official: I'm not getting that job I interviewed for last week. The woman called today and we had a nice face-saving conversation all around. Which is so important in business.

That means I'm free for the rest of the year to finish my book. That makes me so happy. I've never had this kind of freedom in my life -- several weeks of severance, followed by months of unemployment. I feel like I won the lottery. I know that's not the way you're supposed to feel when you lose your job. Indeed, everyone I tell about the layoff has been perfectly willing to commiserate with me, until I tell them I look on it as a good thing. And maybe I won't feel this way for long. If Cris were to lose her job, that would certainly change my tune. But til then, you're looking at the latest and most grateful recipient of the Tech Bust Literary Prize for Halfway-Finished Novels.

Tuesday, October 15, 2002

TV land

I noticed Monday that one of the news channels, I forget whether it was MSNBC or Fox News, now has a slogan, or perhaps it's the title of their coverage of Bush's warmongering: "Countdown to Iraq." But maybe I'm just not very observant. I see a Google search on the phrase "Countdown to Iraq" gets a number of articles returned, most of them about Bush's speech to the UN in September, like this piece from the Guardian (U.K.).

I don't want anyone to think I'm just sitting around watching TV. I wrote another 750 words today, i.e. scene 21b, sitting in a cafe on Church St. Then I came back and exercized, and now I'm watching the ballgame.

Sunday night my friend Jenny, who is also one of the tech writers on the team I was just managing before I got laid off, and two of the other writers took me out to dinner. That was awful nice of them. Thanks guys! I'll miss you.

Please stand by

I don't know why, but sometimes when I edit an existing entry (to fix spelling errors, for instance), Blogger gets it mixed up with the previous entry. So now my entry titled "Whatever works" has been concatenated with the entry I did the day before. At least this snafu didn't make today's entry completely incomprehensible. I'm not going to try to fix it, either -- I've learned from experience that that just makes things worse.

Whatever works

To the list of unlikely images that help my meditation, add the sound of Kenny Lofton's single in the Giants' pennant-winning victory last night over the St. Louis Cardinals. This sound -- specifically, the replay of Jon Miller's call on KNBR, beginning in pleasureable anticipation, becoming sharp through the pitch and the batter's swing, then a rising tone recounting the hit that reaches right field, and finally a positively hysterical jumble of voices as David Bell scores the winning run from second -- I heard on the radio in the car on the way to zazen at 5:45 a.m. And far from exciting me or creating a distraction, it formed the calm foundation of one of the best 40 minutes of meditation I've had in weeks.

It's not like I sat there replaying the call in my head. Instead, I understood the essence of Miller's ability to form a clear, coherent narration of the events as they rapidly unfolded second-by-second. This ability -- man, it's not easy -- is rooted in a complete, alive attentiveness to the moment, as well as in a deep knowledge of the game which allows the announcer to anticipate, if only intuitively, what might happen. The announcer waits calmly, discerning what's happening in the relationship between pitcher and batter, baserunners and fielders, even when pitch after pitch it seems like nothing's happening. Then a ball is hit and action explodes and the good announcer is completely on top of the play. He doesn't freeze on the baserunner's name, he doesn't forget the terms that apply to the play-- like "line drive" or "the third base line" -- and injects precisely the amount of excitement appropriate to the moment.

Contrast this fluency with a Cubs color announcer I heard once while driving through Illinois. The Cubs pitcher struck out a batter at a dramatic moment, and instead of being able to describe what the pitcher had done to hoodwink the batter, the announcer merely exclaimed, "Man, what a pitch!" This on radio -- how opaque can you get?

So when I arrived at the zendo and sat down, I tried to sit with the baseball announcer's calm attentiveness. And it really worked. Railroad crossing signal, baseball announcer --whatever works.

Sunday, October 13, 2002

Anti-war action opportunity

Much to my embarrassment, several large anti-war demonstrations have come and gone here in San Francisco, without me even being aware of them until they're on the evening news. Friday was the latest, when several hundred people blockaded, or attempted to blockade, the Federal Building. (SF Gate news story) That brought me fond memories of winter 1991, when me and about 300 other Queer Nation demonstrators filled out a whole side of the building in the demonstration to mark the beginning of the Gulf War. (Are we going to have to start calling it the First Gulf War, or Gulf War I?)

Now I've found a site with information on the next big demo, to take place Oct. 26. I'll hate to miss it, too -- I'm going to be out of town that day.

Don't piss them off

Jerry Falwell, the clown prince of the religious right, apologized yesterday, six days after "60 Minutes" broadcast Falwell's assertion that the prophet Muhammed was "a terrorist... a violent man, a man of war." After his comments led to fatal riots and a death decree for Falwell himself, the Baptist preacher retracted his remarks.

Of course he'll say anything -- it's his stock in trade, it made him famous, why should he stop now? It would be like expecting Darryl Strawberry to quit drugs and start a soup kitchen. What I want to know is, how can anybody take this guy seriously enough even to put him on television? Do the producers of "60 Minutes" really think he represents anybody but the most ignorant yahoos? Just look at him.

Saturday, October 12, 2002

Progress report

I usually can't work at home. The cats demand too much attention, and it's hard to concentrate if Cris is also in the house. But this morning she left to visit her mother in Fairfield, and the cats were reasonably self-sufficient. So I got 1600 words done, the beginning of chapter 21. That feels great.

Now I'm off to HSZC to help with a garage sale. Yes, the zen center has garage sales too.

Friday, October 11, 2002

Sit still like a railroad crossing signal

Now that I'm unemployed -- here it is the end of the week, and I haven't heard back about that other job at the company, so I am assuming that job is not going to happen -- I have more time to do all those things I've been meaning to do. Fix the car, exercise, and work on my novel, for example. And, of course, to watch TV.

You know how there are certain things from your childhood that you remember incompletely? A vivid but partial memory of a song, a movie, a TV show, or maybe a place you visited. You saw it once and you remember some things clearly, but the context and especially the title are gone. I have a bunch of orphaned memories like this. Yesterday, through the magic of daytime cable TV, I cleared one of them up. I was dialing around on cable when I hit upon a movie called Where Angels Go, Trouble Follows (1968) -- an unremarkable light comedy about a bunch of nuns and their schoolgirl charges. The sequel to the 1966 hit "The Trouble with Angels," WAGTF is about several nuns taking a couple dozen hyperactive teenage girls across the country to a some religious conference in California. (In the 1960s most of the people in the U.S. still lived east of the Mississippi and thought of California as a strange, distant land, usually reached only by a long road trip. And you could still make a movie about nuns running a Catholic boarding school.) This is the kind of movie I used to go see as a little kid in Edwardsville, Ill., where we'd go see whatever was playing in the town's one movie theater.

Two scenes from this movie, the title and premise of which I otherwise forgot completely for decades, stuck in my mind my whole life. In one, Stella Stevens, who plays the young Vatican II-hip nun, faces down a not-very-menacing gang of bikers. And in the other, the bus nearly gets stuck on a railroad grade crossing as a train approaches.

The latter scene, for some reason, was particularly memorable for me. In this scene, the estrogen-laden bus approaches a rural grade crossing at night. All is completely quiet and peaceful. The driver -- the stereotyped batty, slightly masculine nun -- stops and looks both ways. Nothing's coming, so they start across. As they're right in the middle of the tracks, the warning signals suddenly start clanging and flashing, and the started driver jams on the brakes and the bus stalls out. Then we have the overly drawn-out scene where all the girls and nuns, except for the driver, evacuate the bus before the onrushing train reaches them, and the driver manages to get the bus started at the last moment, of course, and makes it across.

It was the beginning of the scene that stuck in my mind -- the utter quiet except for the bus gently stopping and then starting again, and then the startled reaction as the signals began blaring. And for more than thirty years I remembered that, whenever I drove across a railroad track, but forgot the whole rest of the movie.

So that was yesterday. This morning I was having a typically bad time sitting zazen, with a painful back and wandering attention and the usual drowsiness. Then just before the end, I remembered that scene from the movie: the peaceful rural grade crossing at night, a silent warning signal in the foreground of the frame. And -- it sounds funny --suddenly I realized the pacefulness and alertness of that signal, standing straight and tall, just watching and waiting for the moment it has to fulfill its purpose and warn of an approaching train. Then all my drowsiness left me and I sat straight and tall and attentively, just like that signal. I suddenly was able to do what I haven't been able to do well for a couple of weeks, focus on my breath.

For three breaths. Then the bell rang.

Wednesday, October 09, 2002

As if the war weren't enough

Aileen Wuornos, whose story has been told in countless articles as well as a documentary film and even an opera, was executed today by the state of Florida.

Wuornos became a symbol of many things for many people in the early 1990s. A white trash dyke who turned to truck stop prostitution and killed the johns whom (she said) abused her, Wuornos represented everything from justifiable female rage (to lesbian and anti-abuse activists) to "the first female serial killer" (to tabloid journalists).

Links:
- page on prisonactivist.org
- she gives up appeals, wants execution
- Wuornos is found competent to be executed
- a timeline from Orlando Sentinel


Tuesday, October 08, 2002

Death of a hummingbird

I went this morning for my one and only job interview, in this my new period of unemployment. My (now former) boss had steered me to this opening elsewhere in the company, and at first it sounded perfect for me. But by the time the interview ended I think the (putative) boss had decided otherwise. She was concerned that a job where I wasn't a manager would be a come-down for me. I wasn't very concerned about that, and tried to convince her of it; but I was also concerned that the job might have a technical component I couldn't handle.

In any case, walking out to my car I felt rather relieved. I thought, Whoopee, now I can work on my book for the rest of the year! All we have to do is watch our finances. I drove home along 101, noticing the layer of smog that had settled on the bay in the third day of this heat wave, and when I got to my block parked across the street. An hour later I got a parking ticket for parking during street cleaning. Got to watch those finances, yeah.

I was looking at the online form to file for unemployment when I wandered into the kitchen to get something to drink. There I noticed a mass of what looked like tiny dark shards on the floor, and in their midst, the carcass of what was clearly a hummingbird. Now an ex-hummingbird. What looked like shards of plastic were actually its tiny dark feathers. It must have mistakenly flown in the window and been snagged by one of our cats. Cris examined the carcass more carefully and declared the bird's neck had not been broken, and that the cat killed it by biting into its heart, the bloodthirsty little thing. That's her first bird kill, at least inside the house -- goodness knows how many she's snagged out there in the garden.

I felt bad for the hummingbird, as one is bound to -- they are such beautiful, useful creatures. But one can't blame the cat either -- in fact, I felt compelled to praise her. She was only fulfilling her role. It reminded me of the cat -- hardly more than a kitten -- belonging to an old girlfriend. One day it brought in a dead mouse and stood over it proudly. We duly praised the mighty hunter. Next day, another mouse -- not the same one, either. More praise. Next morning, having apparantly rousted all the mice, it showed up and presented us with a Snickers wrapper. What could we do but give the cat more praise -- which it accepted with pride and then went off and took a nap in the sunlight.

Monday, October 07, 2002

Including 'and' and 'the'

Mary McCarthy's antipathy toward Lilian Hellman's book Scoundrel Time was such that she famously stated, "Every word she writes is a lie, including 'and' and 'the'" -- which has got to be one of the great cappers of the 20th century.

I was reminded of this statement today during Bush's speech on Iraq. I was sitting on the couch, waiting for the Giants-Braves playoff game to start. They held the game so Bush could speak, and he was on ten channels. I couldn't bear to watch it, really, but from time to time I forced myself to turn it on for a sentence at a time. And every sentence was a lie. Like:

This nation in world war and in cold war has never permitted the brutal and lawless to set history's course.

God almighty.

Though I don't have to go into work -- because I don't have a job -- I still got up at 5:00 and went to meditate. Y. kept his mouth shut today, so I had nothing to complain about. Maybe somebody said something to him. Then I went home and went right back to bed for three hours. I spent much of the day -- a clear, hot day with blazing sun, so typical of early fall here -- doing errands and puttering around the house. We're still working in the office, rearranging files. We have the world's worst shredding machine, so bad that it jams after every third sheet, no matter how careful you are. The last time we had a bag of bank and credit card statements to get rid of, I ended up taking them into the office and shredding them there.

Tomorrow I have an interview at the company that just laid me off. If I get this new job, I'll work it. If I don't, I'll stay home all winter and finish my book. I feel it's a win-win situation, so whatever happens, I'm happy. I should have this week, at least, to loaf, though.

I mean whatever happens with my employment situation -- which is so trivial compared to the fact that Bush is getting us into a war that will piss off the entire Arab world for the next forty years. Never mind my employment situation -- if you live in New Delhi, I'd seriously consider moving.

Saturday, October 05, 2002

Jelly with nuts

Just back from an all-day "sit" at the zendo. Y. was not present, and so we got to gossip about him a little. Turns out others are not happy with his sermonettes either -- I feel vindicated. At least I feel vindicated in the parts that are neither sore nor exhausted. Sitting was difficult today. No good sessions of settling into my breath, no revelations about my book -- just a lot of hard work sitting. "Jelly with nuts" refers to the texture of my back (as well as to the typical regional sweet of a certain mountainous region of Argentina we visited a few years ago. When we asked them to serve us the typical dessert of the region, we got strawberry jam with walnuts. Well, it was sweet.)

At least I stuck it out for the whole day. By the end of the day it was just me and one other person. Two of the residents didn't even show, and a third was in and out all day. The pikers!

Now it's a quick change of clothes, and off to the symphony.

Thursday, October 03, 2002

It's just business

For his latest trick, Y. had us restore the Robe Chant, but at the end of zazen instead of the beginning. This preserves his ability to make a grand entrance accompanied by his factotum. He delivered another aphorism today -- something about how the ten directions of the universe are the same as the "body of the way-seeker." I'm sitting there thinking, "Woo woo woo woo." Then, avoiding his grammatical gaffe of yesterday, he added simply, "Please study this carefully." I didn't, but I did manage to sit very still for the whole period. I'm already getting over the guy. I won't let him puncture my practice, such as it is.

Then I went right in to work, and to my great surprise, got laid off. Somehow management decided to reduce the size of the technical writing team. I spent most of the rest of the day cleaning up my office and commiserating with my soon-to-be former co-workers, all of whom had very nice things to say about me.

I didn't get any chance to sit around at home, though, since Cris had a huge house project scheduled. We picked up a bunch of furniture we'd ordered from a store on Valencia St. and got two undocumentistos (I just made that up) to help us unpack it, set it up, and get rid of the tables and bookshelves we replaced. Now it's late in the evening. The Giants lost, I got laid off, and I'm really tired.

Wednesday, October 02, 2002

Fortune cookie

Y. was back in the zendo today. As before, he made a grand entrance that eliminated the Robe Chant. But this time he had with him some sort of companion. It was X., a young woman who had also come to the dinner last Friday night. At the time I thought, "Oh, he brought his girlfriend," but I didn't think much more of it. But this time she entered with him and sort of dogged his heels, as if she were his attendant. I knew that high-ranking monks at Tassajara had attendants but I'd never seen anything like it at Hartford Street.

I should probably make clear that Hartford Street Zen Center is the queer zen center in San Francisco; it's half a block from Castro Street; it was founded by a former drag queen/party boy-turned-zen monk. And I say that not because I think it's wrong for a straight guy to be the practice leader or even to bring his girlfriend, but if he's going to be an arrogant, passive-aggressive straight man whose girlfriend is his attendant, he's going to seem a little out of place.

So he did all his prostrations and sat down. Silence in the place. There was quite a crowd: all four residents were there, along with me, Lucky, and a woman who's on the board, in addition to Andy Capp and Wilma. Silence for a good thirty minutes -- perhaps a little stiff, but it was okay with me. I was feeling angry at the guy, but I was also thinking, maybe this bozo has been sent here to teach me patience and forebearance. Maybe I need to just chill out. I should give the guy another chance.

Then suddenly I hear the guy's voice. He's decided to throw in a little mini-... Well, I don't know what it was. He spoke some aphorism about how heaven and earth are separated by a "hair's breadth," and added, "Let your mind accord."

I'm sitting there thinking, Let my mind accord?? That's not even a verb.

Then he clammed up and we sat there for the remainder of the period. I reflected on his outburst. The only time I ever heard anyone speak during zazen was when John King announced the death of Philip Whalen. That was appropriate since Whalen was the former roshi of the temple. Compared to the gravity and drama of that morning, Y.'s blatt today was about as significant as a fortune cookie. Then to top it all off, after the service X. paraded out with him -- so pretentious! And they went upstairs and disappeared; down in the zendo the rest of us relaxed and chatted and met the new resident.

It's silly, of course, for me to let myself get so worked up about it. It's no skin off my nose if the guy wants to make nonsense pronouncements. But pretentiousness has always really pushed my buttons. I wonder what everyone else thinks.

Monday, September 30, 2002

Tango in the fog

Friday night I went to dinner at the zen center. They have a regular thing on the 4th Friday and it was also an opportunity to meet the new practice leader, Y. I was very unimpressed with him. He came across as passive-aggressive, diffident, falsely humble; he started an argument about how much of a commitment he was being asked to make as practice leader, and kept whining "What do you want?" I got disgusted and left after a while, not even knowing if he would go through with this practice leader thing at all. Goodness knows they’ve managed to alienate potential practice leaders in the past at the last minute, but in this case I would blame him. He did show up this morning to lead zazen, though -- more about which in a moment.

Saturday was supposed to be my day of working on my book, but with Cris out of town for the weekend, I completely took advantage of slack atmosphere and wasted almost the entire day. I worked on my website, talked on the phone with Dina, watched the ballgame on TV, and exercised on the treadmill. The mouse on our new big ($$$$) Macintosh stopped working, to my disgust. Finally, in the evening, I went to my office and managed to crank out 800 words.

Sunday I went to church, to the ballgame, to the park (where every Sunday evening, tango students take over the Golden Gate Park Bandshell, a quietly bizarre sight in the fog that’s usually pouring in over the treetops) and to Sara’s to watch “The Sopranos” with a dozen others.

This morning I got up at 5:15, drove over to Hartford Street, went into the zendo and sat down. Just before starting time, a new guy named Lucky, who has come five or six times, came in and sat down too. No sign of Y. But just as Lucky got settled, Y. made a grand entrance. Then he confused everyone by going straight to the altar instead of sitting down. So we didn’t do the Robe Chant (the one that starts with the funny phrase, "Now we open Buddha's robe"). After that, everything proceeded pretty much as normal. But when it was all over, Y. made a grand exit to match his grand entrance and never came back to say hello or anything. We did soji on our own. So far, the guy has shown himself to be a complete pill.

This is just a few things I did over the weekend. A truly interesting account would say not only that Sunday afternoon was a gorgeous day to be at the ballpark, but explain what was gorgeous about it, the texture of the sopping nachos I ate, the way Marvin Benard went back to the dugout in anger after hitting a first-pitch tapper that must have been his first at-bat in three weeks, the sight of the dark red fireboat that floated past. It would explain how and why I take such pleasure and comfort in the warm friendliness at Sara's house, the usual amused expression on the face of Jeanne, who was briefly my editor last year, the way all the boys were sunburned after going to the Folsom St. Fair. It would say how much pleasure I took in the presence of the cats this weekend when I was around the house, it would say how messy I left the house this morning hoping that Cris is actually coming back tomorrow and not today, it would describe the quality of the light today and how the slightly hazy pearl-colored light this morning was actually more beautiful than yesterday's brilliant sun.

Instead, I report that I took two naps today: one in the morning, and a longer one in the afternoon.

Those charming antipodians

Members of a motorcycle gang are not called bikers in Australia. They are called bikies. Isn't that the cutest thing you've ever heard? Other stories in the Sydney Morning Herald for tomorrow -- in Australia, where today is already yesterday -- include Schoolboys blamed for nude romp at cinema and Sydney's brothel wars. What a colorful place Australia is. Can you imagine reading those stories in the newspaper of, say, Toronto?

Saturday, September 28, 2002

"Anti-American"

Arundhati Roy, famous (some would prefer "infamous") for her critical article written in the aftermath of Sep. 11 -- I mean Sep. 11 2001, I guess we have to start saying that now, or call it "nine eleven oh one" -- has not been intimidated by the subsequent demonization she and others have suffered. In her most recent piece in The Guardian (U.K.), she wonders:

Recently, those who have criticised the actions of the US government (myself included) have been called "anti-American".... What does the term mean? That you're anti-jazz? Or that you're opposed to free speech? That you don't delight in Toni Morrison or John Updike? That you have a quarrel with giant sequoias?...
 
To call someone anti-American, indeed, to be anti-American, is not just racist, it's a failure of the imagination. An inability to see the world in terms other than those that the establishment has set out for you: If you don't love us, you hate us. If you're not good, you're evil. If you're not with us, you're with the terrorists.

Friday, September 27, 2002

More signs of the coming apocalypse

If Nelson Mandela didn't do it for you, here's something else. It will make you lose any hope you had that the U.S. is not fast on the road of decadent collapse: Skydriving. That's sky-DRIVING with an R. People wearing parachutes on their backs sit in a car as it rolls out the back of a cargo plane at 15,000 feet.

“It’s very surreal, it’s like you’re in a dream. The windshield blocks the noise, and you are floating around up there with the world moving by you on all sides.” He and other skydivers who accompany the cars take turns behind the wheel, “driving” for the first two miles—or 60 seconds—bailing out and pulling their chutes as the cars hurtle the last few thousand feet—and 10 seconds or so—to the ground.

Where's my passport?

Mandela: U.S. is threat to world peace

The story is almost three weeks old, but if you missed it in the run-up to the Sep. 11 anniversary, here it is, from the MSNBC site, of all places.

An excerpt:

The United States has made serious mistakes in the conduct of its foreign affairs, which have had unfortunate repercussions long after the decisions were taken. Unqualified support of the Shah of Iran led directly to the Islamic revolution of 1979. Then the United States chose to arm and finance the [Islamic] mujahedin in Afghanistan instead of supporting and encouraging the moderate wing of the government of Afghanistan. That is what led to the Taliban in Afghanistan. But the most catastrophic action of the United States was to sabotage the decision that was painstakingly stitched together by the United Nations regarding the withdrawal of the Soviet Union from Afghanistan. If you look at those matters, you will come to the conclusion that the attitude of the United States of America is a threat to world peace.

In other news: the New York City Anti-Hipster Forum is my blog pick of the day.

Another foggy beautiful day

The city and local transportation activists are sponsoring a street closure in the Financial District in the middle of the day today. It's also the tenth anniversary of Critical Mass.

What's the problem? Well, the weather, for one thing. By picking the last Friday in September, the organizers probably thought they'd get a gorgeous day. They bet wrong.

Secondly, the street closure is supposed to end at 2:00 pm. But Critical Mass traditionally happens in late afternoon, the better to disrupt the afternoon auto commute. "I see a confrontation looming," my boss predicted.

This is actually the perfect day to throw money out the window. Say what? Well, my office is on the 14th floor of a building at Pine and Montgomery; prevailing winds from the west blow any paper thrown out the window right down to the intersection. And I've always wanted to disrupt the orderly flow of the day by throwing a bunch -- say, 300 -- of one dollar bills out the window and watch people scramble for them. I wanted to do it on the 35 anniversary, last month, of Abbie Hoffman and Jerry Rubin's famous visit to the New York Stock Exchange. But I didn't. I guess I won't today, either. There's got to be a really good day to do it...

Thursday, September 26, 2002

The center of the world

While browsing the Time site, I came across an interesting autobiographical essay by Edward Albee. He writes:

I went straight to Greenwich Village to stay with a friend. In a very short time, I arranged a sublet for about eight of us at 60 West 10th Street, the first of many Village apartments over the next decade. I got odd jobs... (and) immersed myself in the incredible artistic renaissance that was the Village in the 1950s -- the Abstract Expressionist painters, the Beat Generation, the avant-garde playwrights. At the Cedar Tavern we'd meet up with Jackson Pollock and Willem de Kooning. At the Carnegie Tavern we'd sit around with Aaron Copland and Elliott Carter and talk music. Seeing my first Beckett play, my first Genet play - they were revelatory. They showed me that theater didn't have to be what I had known thus far. They opened things up for me and were probably responsible for my becoming a playwright....

Wow. Talk about being in the center of the world. People these days generally think American society started changing in the 1960s, but the groundwork for the upheaval of that decade was laid in the 1950s by people like Albee and those he mentions.

Meanwhile, fifty years after Pollock: To my list of bloggers whose postings permit me to live the life of a New Yorker vicariously, add this gay 30-something named Michael, whose blog "Me, New York, and a Fifth Floor Walkup" is in turns vapid and poetic and just self-conscious enough about living in New York to give a flavor of it to an out-of-towner like me:

Somedays I love being in New York so much that it hurts. The faces passing me all look beautiful. The way the sun bounces off the millions of windows and how it glows on the sides of the buildings is magical. The noise and the crowds are exciting. But it is a man-made world and I don't always love being here. Sometimes, it seems like its only purpose is to crush out anything natural, environmental or organic. This can be unnerving since I cleary recognize that I am an organic being. The streets are walled to the sky. The sky becomes a distant blue ceiling, nothing more. There is no horizon to mention. The sidewalks don't give when you step...they defy you and remain ridged. There is very little in the city that is soft and comforting. It is a world that
constantly pushes down on you and reminds you that your are just a small part of it, not the other way around.

That's the kind of thing I want to do in my other blog -- the one I never update. I just don't have time.


Still messed up

Trying to straighten out my blogger entries, I seem to keep getting in deeper. God knows what's going to get appended to this one.

Cleaning up a little weirdness

There's something strange going on with Blogger -- I'm going to try reposting this bit I keep trying to write about Turnandot.

So, about that living in San Francisco... Last night I went to the SF Opera with some co-workers (one of whom used to be their website guru, and who had scored some great tickets) to see Turandot. I was familiar with the piece, having seen it not only in person at the SF Opera a few years ago when this production premiered (with the David Hockney sets -- a sort of Chinese Dr. Seuss world in red and pale green), but from the repeated showings on PBS of the

Enter the delicate princess

So, about that living in San Francisco... Last night I went to the SF Opera with some co-workers (one of whom used to be their website guru, and who had scored some great tickets) to see Turandot. I was familiar with the piece, having seen it not only in person at the SF Opera a few years ago when this production premiered (with the David Hockney sets -- a sort of Chinese Dr. Seuss world in red and pale green), but from the repeated showings on PBS of the

Wednesday, September 25, 2002

Enter the delicate princess

So, about that living in San Francisco... Last night I went to the SF Opera with some co-workers (one of whom used to be their website guru, and who had scored some great tickets) to see Turandot. I was familiar with the piece, having seen it not only in person at the SF Opera a few years ago when this production premiered (with the David Hockney sets -- a sort of Chinese Dr. Seuss world in red and pale green), but from the repeated showings on PBS of the

Ferrrr-esh Aaairrrr!

For fans of Terry Gross and her ubiquitous NPR program, here's an interview in today's Minneapolis Star-Tribune.

I'm not among those who adore Gross. Her show plays too many greatest hits and repeats ("Here's our interview with so-and-so from 1989"), and she can get flummoxed just like any other interviewer. I heard her interview Ice T. as the L.A. riots were raging, back in 1992, and she basically asked him whether he and his fellow hip-hop artists were more or less responsible for the riots. To his credit, Ice T. managed not to laugh in her face or get really angry.

Speaking of the L.A. riots -- they took place just under ten and a half years ago -- here's an eyewitness account from a television helicopter cameraman, and here's Time writer Richard Schickel on How TV Failed to Get the Real Picture ($). That Schickel article costs money to read, but that page has many links to other sites with substantial post-mortems of the riots.

And speaking of the Time Warner/AOL/CNN empire, a story in today's Wall Street Journal said that CNN and ABC (owned by Disney, another huge media conglomerate) might merge their news operations. (No link -- the WSJ site is all pay.) I could get depressed about stories like that, but... It's all just Big Business. When Disney buys the New York Times, that's when I'll get worried.

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

She should have more faith in guys

If anyone in the future wants to understand how we used the slang expression "hook up," look no further. Here's a major blurt by some guy in New Jersey with these deathless words: "But yah, after me, her Prince Charming image just seemed to go out the window, like even the nicest guys would end up being assholes in the end, so she "dated" lots of guys, but it was mostly physical. She just kinda hooked up with a lot of guys, mostly older guys, she met on the internet and basically got to the point where anyone who was willing and able to perform oral sex on her, she'd hook up with a few times. If it wasn't for me, maybe she'd still have more faith in guys, because from what I can tell and what I've been told, it seems she's sorta afraid of a real relationship."

Yeah, seems sorta like that.

Like most of the blogs I look at, that one turned up at random on Blogger.com. That's how I found Uberchick, a young Korean-American Manhattanite who just got an exciting job as an intern working on a feature film. I read Uberchick almost every day, mostly for the vicarious experience of being young in New York. Also she is gorgeous, in a boring straight girl way -- that is, if that's her in those pictures (there's only one Asian woman, so I assume that's her).

Monday, September 23, 2002

Predestination

I got no writing done last weekend. Too busy having fun and spending money like -- and here's a phrase that creeps in from my quaint midwestern upbringing -- "like it was goin' out of style."

I guess it's all right for me to have slacked for a weekend, especially since Cris is supposed to be out of town next weekend and I should get a lot of writing done. If I know where I'm going with it, that is.

There are several approaches I could take to the problem I have with my novel -- the problem being that I don't know how to resolve certain character development issues with one of my main characters. One approach would be to make notes up the wazoo until I finally figure it out -- or exhaust myself in the process, as I did on Sep 7. Another approach is to completely change the ending I have planned. (My problem is that I have the ending planned, but I can't figure out how this character develops in such a way as to get to that ending. And I'm afraid that if I just write it the way it is, the decision the character makes at the end -- a decision I have pre-ordained -- will seem both unjustified and contradictory.)

But the approach I think I will try to take is to just write through the difficulty, trusting that by the time I get to that part of the story, I will be able to make things fit.

They're really very shy

Interesting intellectual property case:

British composer Mike Batt found himself the subject of a plagiarism action for including the song, "A One Minute Silence," on an album for his classical rock band The Planets. He was accused of copying it from a work by the late American composer John Cage, whose 1952 composition "4'33"" was totally silent.

On Monday, Batt settled the matter out of court by paying an undisclosed six-figure sum to the John Cage Trust.

More at CNN.

In other news, a representative of Iceland Air is firing back at a perceived slur in last week's Sopranos' season opener, which depicted (not much of) a sex-and-drug orgy with Tony Soprano's crew and "the girls from Icelandic Airlines." Informed of this attack on America's Favorite Show, a friend countered, "They should be fucking grateful for the publicity."

Sunday, September 22, 2002

Credit cowabunga

Rather exhausted after two days of playing, first with D. -- we went to the Airport Doubletree and ate at Benihana's, sharing our table with some sorority girls who were celebrating one's birthday -- then with Cris and Nancy, with whom I managed to spend several thousand dollars for a complete new Mac G4 system. We got the works -- flatscreen monitor, printer-fax-scanner-copier, and a wireless network. All of it went on plastic, needless to say -- which just goes on the house line of credit. Now I'm working on the new computer. Quite an experience. We actually bought and paid for a copy of Microsoft Office. I never thought I'd find myself doing that. I rationalize it by supposing, I've been stealing software from Bill Gates for the last 13 years, the least I could do is pay for it once.

We've really been spending the money lately. First the new truck, now this. We're also getting new office furniture. If we were opening a new business or something, I could understand, but...

The only thing I can't figure out about this new system is the way IE 5.2 is behaving on Mac OS 10.2. It's wrapping text on web pages in a very unpredictable manner -- for example the word "girls" in the first paragrah, on my screen, the "girl" part is at the end of one line and the "s" is on the next. But not every word or line behaves this way. It's a mystery.

Now I'm going to need to concentrate on work for about two years and not get laid off -- maybe I'll have a chance of actually paying off these credit bills.

Friday, September 20, 2002

A really bad sign

Bush has announced a new American policy of pre-emptive strikes, whenever we feel like it, whether or not we have support from the U.N. or anybody else. So let me depart from my usual self-obsessed natterings to complain about it. Cris gave me the news as soon as I walked into the kitchen this morning. Before I'd had my coffee, she pointed out that this puts us in the league with military empires of the past, from Rome to the U.S.S.R., whose similar policies led to their eventual downfall.

Of course, they didn't have the internet and Starbucks.

I read once that the people who handle mail and messages in the White House count support and opposition like this: If a handwritten letter counts as 1, then a letter off a laser printer counts as .1, unless it's a form letter, in which case it counts as .01. This is because they figure that if you took the time to actually sit down and write a letter by hand, you feel pretty strongly about an issue. By this reasoning, an email message counts as about .0001.

So sit down and write a letter, by hand, today. The address, and the new policy, are both at the White House website. If you're not ready to write a letter now, you will be by the time you see that website.

Thursday, September 19, 2002

Tissue-san arrived!

Japanese consumer culture, which is utterly perverse, is always good for a laugh. I don't know how or why, but something about the modern Japanese mentality insists on fetishizing the strangest things. Consider Tissue-san. (NB: if it asks you to install the Japanese language pack, just hit cancel. You can still enjoy the resulting page.) Evidently someone has made a line of products based on several comix characters that are.... boxes, packs, or other containers of tissue paper. The products include a tissue paper box hanger, a little post-its holder that looks like a box of tissues, and the inevitable notebooks and pens.

If you click home, you will see similar product lines based on comix characters that are: cheese; bunny angels; beer-drinking ducks; chestnuts; jelly; and "mixed cats."

I wish I were better versed in whatever discipline or knowledge -- anthropology, psychology, or whatever -- that would allow me to understand the origins of this insanely strong Japanese drive for the cute. I guess it's just infantilism, commercialized ad infinitum. In any case, it makes American popular culture look positively adult in comparison.

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

Abyss

As I mentioned in the last entry, Cris loaded up the pickup truck full of junk we'd been meaning to cast out for years. (In fact, this is one of the main reasons we bought a pickup truck this summer: there was no other way to ever get all this junk to the dump. The other reason is that the truck was red and a really good deal.) But she was frustrated in her attempts to actually go to the dump because I had the truck key and I was in New York.

So today I came home after lunch and got in the truck and went over to Cesar Chavez St. to get a helper. Cesar Chavez St. is where all the undocumented workers hang out hoping to get day work. At 1:30 there were still a few hopeful souls, and I snagged one of them. Off we went.

The San Francisco dump is located at the very south end of the city. I exited the freeway just before the causeway that crosses a corner of the bay near Brisbane, on an ominously named exit called Tunnel Avenue (the name refers to a railway tunnel used by the Caltrain commuter line) and follow the signs to a vast collection of buildings, crushers, ramps and scales. Following the frantic hand signals of several dump workers, who had to divert me from going on the scale reserved for newspaper recycling and from using the ramp reserved for garbage trucks, I finally managed to get weighed. Then it was up a curving road to a huge hangar built into the side of a hill. Inside was a hellish scene, with trucks and vans backing up and casting their refuse into a pit about fifty yards long. Inside the pit, a large bulldozer moved things around. Overhead, mist descended from a dozen nozzles, I suppose to keep the dust down, but it created a fetid atmosphere that made the whole place look smoky.

We dumped our refuse and escaped from the building and got the empty truck weighed again. It cost $44 for all that junk, including a lot of dirt from the garden we didn't have any place for. Then I dropped my helper back off on Cesar Chavez.

Tonight: Berkeley Symphony concert, just one in a whole series of classic music events this month celebrating composer Olivier Messiaen.

Monday, September 16, 2002

 

From the plane yesterday

Saturday I promised myself that I could do some sightseeing in New York if I got a few thousand words under my belt, and so after eating breakfast, I sat down at 9:30 and indeed wrote the first part of chapter 20. Despite my cavils last week, I did know what I wanted to start with the in the chapter, and so I wrote that: 20a and 20b, and I got a good start on 20c. That came out to 2500 words -- a fair day, though I did not manage to advance the plot much. Now that I'm in the second-to-last lap, comparatively, I'm conscious that every word should be advancing the plot, and I fell somewhat short of that. But the important thing is to finish the first draft by hook or by crook.

So I wrapped that up around 1:00 and went out. I did something that was perhaps a little foolish: I went to something in the far north of Manhattan -- the Cathedral of St. John the Divine, and then Riverside Church -- followed by something in the far south -- the Staten Island Ferry. By the time the latter departed, the sun was setting, and as it was a hazy day, the view left something to be desired. But you could still see the sights, it just wasn't crystal clear the way it was in May when Cris and I came in.

I had always been a little curious about Staten Island, supposing that it couldn't possibly be so close to Manhattan and be completely boring. And yet it was. And the air was warm and very sticky. The most interesting thing was a brand-new class A minor league stadium of the Yankees. I went back to the ferry terminal and had to wait quite a long time in an airless concrete hall for the return. But the return ride was wonderful, of course. I don't know that it's ever not wonderful. It was night and tourists were taking flash pictures of the skyline from miles away.

When I got back to shore I decided it would be just too uncomfortably hot down on the subway platform, and looking at my pocket-sized laminated map I saw that the M6 bus would take me up 6th Avenue, which is also where the PATH train runs. So I got on that. What I didn't realize is that on the way to 6th Ave. it would also take me up Church St. directly past the WTC site, which I had been avoiding.

Apparently there are no more forbidden areas; you can go right up to the fence and look in; in fact, they have built a special fence in places to allow this. Earlier I overheard someone saying that the only benefit of looking at the site, now that it has become entirely a construction site, is to get a sense of the vastness of the area that had been destroyed, that you couldn't get that from TV. But I had gotten it from TV.

What was impressive, however, was the high iron fence around St. Paul's; every inch was covered, and I'm not exaggerating, with tributes, messages, flowers, banners, and pictures and so forth --for example, I saw a t-shirt hung at the top of the fence, reading LACKAWANNA FIRE DEPT. The sheer amount of the tributes and so forth, along with the knowledge that this had been happening for months, really was rather impressive.

At the airport the next day, I bought a New York Times; it's one of the first Sunday Times I've gone through since the beginning of the summer, when I changed our subscription to no-Sunday. There were a bunch of memorable pieces.

In the Arts & Leisure section there was an interesting article on Jerry Seinfeld, a standup comedian who became incredibly successful and wealthy through a television show during the 1990s. I've never liked him or his show, and the article offers a clue why. The piece is about how Seinfeld decided, after the TV show ended in 1998, to completely reconstruct his act after going on the road and being devastated when he launched into a familiar bit and a cutting voice came from the audience; "Heard it!" The article went on to describe a day in which Seinfeld, more or less on a dare, offered to spend a few hours with the journalist gathering "impressions" of his own neighborhood -- the Upper West Side -- and from them construct a "bit" that he would then try out at a comedy showcase that night. That part was interesting, especially the comedian's shop-talk, which I may readily mine for my novel.

But the article also contained a strong clue as to why I've never liked Seinfeld's persona (regardless of whether or not he is reconstructing his "act" from the ground up, as the article said, his persona clearly remains the same). At the beginning of the piece, he pulls up in front of the designated meeting spot in a limo; at the end of the piece he departs the same way. This suggestion of a god descending via a chariot to spend a few hours with mortals, and then reascending at the end of the day -- it must have been intentional on the part of the writer -- exposes the subject's basic arrogance. That's why I've never liked the guy; he gives off an air that he's doing you a favor by showing up.

On the plane, I ate the miserable and tiny "dinner," which consisted of about three ounces of roast beef with a puffy dike of mashed potatoes separating the meat from a few bits of vegetables. I felt so contemptuous of this collection, and of the generally crabby attitude of the flight crew, that I considered teasing them by saying "Look! Look! A vegetable! Did you know it was in there?" But I didn't. One doesn't joke on planes these days, especially on flights from Newark to San Francisco departing just a few days after the anniversary of you-know-what.

Instead, I purchased one of their little bottles of wine, which affected me strongly enough that it reminded me of an incident a few days ago that I had forgotten about. One of the writers brought into the office a container of soggy spanikopita that must have been left over from the weekend -- this was Wednesday. Just before I thrust a large piece into my mouth, I noticed a spot of purple mold on the bottom of it; but it was too late. Down the hatch. For the next three hours I felt slightly high, as if I'd taken a very small amount of acid.

A man in the seat across the aisle and up a little was watching a movie, or a portion of a movie, on his laptop. I'd never actually seen anyone do this before, and the fact that he was a classic nerd -- an overweight Asian man in a polo shirt -- made it seem more ridiculous. The movie -- that helicopter Vietnam movie starring Mel Gibson, who is ubiquitous these days -- actually had large English subtitles easily visible from my seat. They blew up a California ravine that was supposed to be Vietnam, although the line of hills in the background was so obviously an oak-covered California hillside that it seemed even more ludicrous.

Mel Gibson looks very manly in a steel helmet.. A guy gets shot and says calmly "I'm glad I could die for my country." What shit! The motherfucking Hollywood war-mongers.


Friday, September 13, 2002

 

Valley of the Shadow of Death

When I visit New York, I always swing by the International Center for Photography to see what's on. In addition to a big Garry Winogrand exhibition [NYT review] that includes his famous photo taken at the 1964 World's Fair, they have some WTC photos taken by the only working photojournalist who was killed there on Sep. 11, Bill Biggart. Biggart was covering the WTC disaster when he was killed in the second tower collapse. All his film was destroyed, but the chip in his digital camera escaped unharmed. The ICP displayed the resulting stunning images.

There are two utterly remarkable pictures. In one, the collapsing south tower is seen in juxtaposition to the north tower (which was the first to be attacked, but the last to fall); an unscathed portion of the latter fills the left half of the frame while the right half is utter chaos -- it's like a Before and After shot all in one image. The other unbelievable photo is the last one he ever made; the time stamp on the digital image indicates he was killed literally seconds after he took it. It shows the smashed Marriott hotel after it was hit by the south tower and before it was utterly destroyed moments later by the north tower.

I didn't argue with myself very long about whether Biggart showed courage or just stupidity by getting so close to the devastation after one tower had fallen and it should have been clear that the second one could also go. There was a quotation on the wall from Robert Capa that Biggart is said to have used as his guideline -- something like "If your pictures aren't good enough, you're not close enough." To the extent he was obeying that maxim, Biggart obviously showed true courage in venturing into danger to get the best pictures.

Thursday, September 12, 2002

 

Hug a fireman

It would seem everyone has had it up to here with the coverage of the Sep. 11 anniversary. But this morning NPR was still going at it, not just with coverage of Bush's speeches and the other events yesterday, but still with the stories of firefighters and so forth. So in that spirit...

I went into New York again yesterday afternoon. I tried to get cute and take a ferry instead of PATH, but the ferries were disrupted just then by the visit of Shrub to the WTC site. When I finally did get on a ferry, it took me to the 38th St. terminal near the Javits Convention Center. Despite the delay and the detour, the ferry ride was glorious -- it was a beautiful sunny day, the humidity of the previous two days was gone, and it was very windy, but in the late afternoon, the view of the Manhattan skyline lit up by the setting sun was out of this world.

I got downtown and went to the 9/11 service at St. Luke's in the Fields. So I've now heard three 9/11 sermons and I finally realize what is so dissatisfying about them. They're all directly addressed to congregations that have actually lost people, congregations with people who barely made it out alive or who otherwise directly experienced the events of That Day. And sitting in the pew listening to this extremely low-energy, dry sermon -- it wasn't just that they were Episcopalian, I mean this woman was speaking as if she were still in shock -- I realized what was going on. New Yorkers think the attacks of Sep. 11 happened to them. They feel a sense of ownership. Similarly, but even more strongly, the well-organized and vocal Family Members also feel a sense of victimhood. They think they totally own this event. It not only happened to them -- it is still happening to them.

I'm not going to start a rant about victimhood, but as a Californian, I have to tell New Yorkers: that attack was not directed at you. It was directed at the whole country; the WTC and the Pentagon were just symbols. And I say that not because I feel a sense of ownership of the event or a need to control how it is remembered (as the Family Members seem determined to do) -- I say that because the conflict between fanatical religious fundamentalism and capitalist democracy is not a goegraphical conflict. It's not like the World Series where everyone pretends the competition is two cities actually duking it out like Athens and Sparta. It's a conflict of religious fundamentalism against liberal tolerance and feminism, of which New York is a worldwide symbol.

And there's something else that is completely ignored in the sermons I've heard: any notion that the listeners bear some responsibility for what happened. After a year, I would expect the ministers of these liberal New York congregations to reflect, at least a little, on the whole symbolism of the World Trade Center and what it might mean to desperately impoverished third world people. Yes, for some it might have been a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow: come to New York and get rich too. That is surely what's meant by Shrub's decision to give his big speech on Ellis Island -- he's trying to distinguish the good brown people (they want to become just like us and get rich) from the bad ones (they hate us for being rich and want to punish us for it). But for the terrorists who executed the hijackings and crashes of jets into the WTC, it was a symbol of U.S. greed and decadence. Nobody talks about this, at least not the ministers who are speaking directly to people who worked there.

I would say: "We have to get beyond our view of ourselves as innocent victims and think about what American greed and decadence means to the Third World. There's a reason they attacked -- not once but twice (in 1993 as well as 2001) -- the World Trade Center. It's because the Third World is enraged by American arrogance and by the fact that we use up more than our share of the world's resources, as much as by our famously tolerant society. Yes, it was an attack on our values, but at least as much upon our negative values -- greed, selfishness, arrogance -- as upon the positive values we cherish -- tolerance, liberalism, equality."

Afterwards, I went for a little walk and found myself passing a firehouse on Sixth Avenue. A crowd that was standing outside with candles erupted in applause as the fire engine came streaming out, siren blaring. It turned out to be a dry run: the fire engine simply circled the block, then parked in the street, and the crowd came into the truck bay and there were a few prayers by a Catholic priest. I overheard a woman say, "I just want to hug a fireman!" That seemed to sum up the day for me, and I headed back to my hotel.

Wednesday, September 11, 2002

And speaking of sick families

This AP photograph of a touching family scene in Michigan is mind-boggling. It appeared on sfgate.com's "Day in Pictures" feature. The kid is not afraid of the horse -- he just prefers watching TV from inside the coffee table while the horse, or pony, whatever it is, falls asleep with its head nuzzled between the kid's mother's tits. What the fuck is up with that?

This just proves how wrong people are when they say all the weirdos are in California. For every California weirdo, there are ten people like this in flyover country who outdo anything we can.

A lot of life to live

On this day when everyone is being asked to pause in memory of last year's events, I received a piece of email from a cousin. She wrote another relative about her father -- my uncle -- saying:

He really hasn't fully recovered from his surgery in May. He's been depressed, very fatigued and really out of it. Doesn't want to do anything (computer, weekly letters, crosswords). All he does is go for meals and sleep. He really needs some prayers. He's got a lot of life to live.

Now, does that sound to you like someone who "has a lot of life to live"? Not to me -- it sounds like somebody's who's given up and is ready to die. The man is in his late 80s or early 90s. Give him a break.

This is relevant today not just because I received it today, but because it illustrates how the attitudes of family members -- to use that phrase we are hearing a lot this week -- so strongly determine what then becomes the reality for those who have died -- or, in this case, are about to die. The "family members" of those who died one year ago are constantly heard from or seen on TV, doing everything from weeping to strenuously arguing some scruple having to do with "honoring the memory" of the dead. For example, a recent article in the most recent Time magazine mentioned that "family members" were upset that New York was already rebuilding the subway through the WTC site, that doing so somehow dishonored their dead. Can we wake the fuck up? What do these people want -- for the entire city to stop in its tracks (no pun intended) until every single person has emotionally processed the events of a year ago?

As for my uncle, what gives his daughter the right to decide he has a lot of life to live? If it were up to me, if the guy doesn't show any signs that he wants to go on clipping coupons and doing crosswords for the next ten or twenty years, then put him in hospice care. He's ready to go.

Clearly I'm more upset by this than I really need to be. I think it's because, at age 46, I view time as so precious. Every moment I have, I'm writing, or seeing a close friend, or exercising, or doing nothing intentionally.

Now, I can't claim any moral superiority over my uncle, whose time before his surgery was cheerfully writing "weekly letters" to every relative he could think of, the contents of which were a sort of mix between a Paul Harvey rehash of news and sports and a treacly religious tract. I can't claim my own work and leisure is any more important in the scheme of things (although I must personally feel it is).

But if I ever completely stop doing anything, and just shuffle between the table and the bathroom and the bed, I'm done, okay?

Tuesday, September 10, 2002

Dinner with Marilyn

Yesterday I changed hotels, moving into a Days Inn very near the Hilton I was staying at. "Very near" here means a mile down an access road past a mixture of car parks and weed-strewn toxic former industrial sites. Still right across a six-lane highway from the airport, and the cheaper Days Inn has much worse sound insulation and a noisier air conditioner. So it's earplugs at night.

After work yesterday I checked in and took a shower, then drove (I have a rental car now) into Manhattan via the Holland Tunnel to have dinner with my friend Marilyn. We've known each other for more than ten years, since she first submitted her work to Frighten the Horses. Since then she's gone on to publish a terrific book of erotic novellas, Neptune and Surf, and to have stories published in a multitude of anthologies. We had dinner at an Italian place and had a *wonderful* fun conversation about writing, and about various deals and writing jobs she's up for, and gossip about other writers and publishers and so forth. The usual enjoyable shop talk of pornographers. It was a good deal of driving back and forth -- about 40 minutes each way, though the traffic was light -- but totally worth it. And we're going to have dinner again, maybe on Friday.

Tonight I'm going into town again to see another film -- Kurosawa's samurai version of "Macbeth," called Throne of Blood, starring of course Toshiro Mifune.

I came back too late and too tired to check email or blog last night. Also the Days Inn has a much more restrictive policy on phone calls. The Hilton starts charging you a high rate on local calls only after an hour; the Days Inn starts after ten minutes, so it's hardly worth trying to dial in.

Tomorrow is the Sep. 11 anniversary, and I was surprised that there was no big recognition scheduled for my company's New Jersey office, which lost somebody on one of the planes that day. (It was the plane they crashed in Pennsylvania. At first everyone was claiming that our co-worker must have been one of the brave passengers who rushed the hijackers. Then it came out months later that actually he was in a toilet the whole time talking on a cell phone to his wife.) In fact, people seem determined to come to work that day. When I heard this, I remarked tactfully, "Oh, and here I thought everyone would be home lying down with a cool cloth over their eyes."

Driving into the office this morning I listened to AM radio. I heard a long account of Sep. 11 from a firefighter -- articulate and moving (and obviously polished somewhat, if only from having been told so many times). Finally after the long monologue, the host said something like, "Thank you so much for that, Jerry -- and may I say if I could kill them all, I would." That kind of broke the solemn mood. It turned out to be Don Imus.