North Pole calling

Here's a service Girl Friday hasn't thought of: Parents pay a commercial service to stage phone calls from Santa for their spawn. Even Alexis, who has many powers, could probably not pull off sounding like Santa, but the concept of outsourcing can be applied in many different ways. Just get some avuncular bums off the street to man the switchboard -- keep feeding them spiked apple cider -- and voila, you've got Santa on the phone.

"Santa": Hey kid, is Mommy's purse there? Do you know what a credit card is?

Kid: Sure!

"Santa": Now get out some of the credit cards -- the gold and silver ones...

Kid: This one says 'Plat... Plat...'

"Santa": Platinum! Yeah, that'll work. Now you know Santa sometimes has to get present for good little girls on Amazon and shit, so you just read that credit card number off for Santa, okay?

See how it works? Sure-fire business plan, y'all.